the crane wife cj hauser summary

Also, if you havent read The Crane Wife essay (accessible on the Paris Reviews website), definitely do that. This collection was a TIME Most Anticipated Book of 2022, but it was also a STEPH Most Anticipated Book of 2022. I had never seen the moon so up-close before. Thank you CJ, I felt so connected to this book and your stories! It has made me realise that ones value system in more important than common interest. These were small things, and I told myself it was stupid to feel disappointed by them. And I tell people the story of being cheated on because that story is simple. The woman who was supposed to become my mother-in-law said, I was going to do the squirrel but then I thought, that just isnt CJ. It looks like WhatsApp is not installed on your phone. What! I hissed out loud when I read this. One of these sons was my grandfather Eddie. The author shares incidents from her childhood, adolescence and adulthood through some interesting frameworks.She also shares epiphanies about dating and relationships that many people can identify. It had gone well. Thanks to netgalley for the ARC. In essay after essay, she attempts to draw that boundary again, through collisions and come-aparts with lovers, friends and family. Shes hellbent on better understanding how the person she is now differs from the person she thought she would be and what that difference means for the years that lie ahead. The worst things a woman can be. They think about Florence Nightingale at a robot convention and grief at John Belushis rock and roll gravesite, and the difference between those stories were asked to hold versus those we choose to carry. In The Crane Wife, CJ Hauser delves into issues of identity and connection with humor and grace. I was the directors assistant and liked skulking backstage in all black and carrying a clipboard. The foreman was dressing. She refuses to say. I am getting better at letting the past hover next to the present without flicking its ears and getting a rise out of it. And who was I to want more? "Red Magazine (UK)"[A] luminous collectionBrimming with insight and compassion, this is ideal for anyone looking to embrace the unexpected. [The Crane Wife is] about what we need, what we can survive with, what we deny ourselves while lying to ourselves. Includes initial monthly payment and selected options. I took the wheel. Summary Of The Crane Wife: A memoir in Essays by C J Hauser [Pantheon, N] on Amazon.com. Warren was an eighty-four-year-old bachelor from Minnesota. ", "Hauserweav[es] together a memoir about redefining love and living life outside of traditional boundaries. She feels both shortchanged and embarrassed about feeling shortchanged: There is nothing more humiliating to me than my own desires.. The Crane Wife embraces this philosophy again and again as Hauser excavates their past loves and losses, thoughtfully examines them and declares the pain of love to be worth the risk." BookPage Ten days after calling off their wedding, CJ Hauser went on an expedition to Texas to study the whooping crane. Such an absorbing and warming book about the polyamorous authors capacity for love: For men, women, her sister, her niece, her brother-in-law, her students, her grandparents, her father, her garden, her house, and for the daughters of the men she dated and eventually broke up with. "Oprah DailyAfter reading this forthcoming memoir-in-essays by the warm, wise, wry, and wonderful CJ Hauser. I wanted to know what a crane wife was. to learn how not to lose yourself in a relationship. Hauser uses Rebecca, the Philadelphia Story, and, of all people, Jim Belushi as cornerstones. I told her because Id just received a voice mail saying I could get a partial refund for my high-necked wedding gown. These essays will shatter your heart and then stitch it back together again. We gave each other space in the bathroom. My mother keeps a scrap of paper taped to her diary, a quote from Yeats that reads: Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy, and the first time I read that line it hummed over my mind like a diviners stick.). In the end, he was happy and loved when he was beautiful. It turns out, if you want to save a species, you dont spend your time staring at the bird you want to save. Jeff was forty-ish, and wore sunglasses and a backward baseball cap. Our parents exchange a look. The Crane Wife: A Memoir in Essays Hardcover - July 12, 2022 by CJ Hauser (Author) 180 ratings Editors' pick Best Biographies & Memoirs See all formats and editions Kindle $13.99 Read with Our Free App Audiobook $0.00 Free with your Audible trial Hardcover $18.69 24 Used from $12.82 29 New from $16.82 Paperback $17.00 1 New from $17.00 Elsewhere he is the one who was first in every way that could matter. Theres Hausers high school boyfriend first love, first sex, first wounds. I did not want to feel like the kind of nagging woman who might exist in a sit-com. The other 19 essays both expand and go laterally on the themes of love, loss, and hope. You could also see a story about how love built on lies is doomed. Hauser, who teaches creative writing at Colgate University and is the author of two novels, sets her own rules, both in the personal and narrative sense. . . Reviewed in the United States on August 25, 2022. In the Japanese folk tale of the crane wife, a crane masquerades as a human woman and convinces a man to marry her. Some days I still tell myself to take what is offered, because if it isnt enough, it is I who wants too much. We still dont know by how much. This broadens out into musings on the nature of romance and the sorts of cultural expectations about love and marriage Hauser found herself caught up in. Hauser does need an audience. ap Joyce was a cowboy who ran an Arizona dude ranch called the Spur Cross because acting like a cowboy, for tourists, was more lucrative than the actual herding of cattle. While I didn't get to it before publication this time, I am thrilled to say that I absolutely loved this collection of essays and will definitely be reading her backlist and whatever she wants to write in the future. Danny ran offstage after killing Banquo. Funny, exciting, vulnerabletruly visionary. The author has a really compelling voice. The Crane Wife described a relationship in which she was cheated on more than once, though what finally brought her to her senses was the realisation that she couldnt sustain the ludicrously low-maintenance persona demanded by her husband-to-be. I wore a Band-Aid over my small wound the day I watched him open his envelopes, waiting to see how he would receive my card. n 2019, an American novelist of slender renown named CJ Hauser scored a viral hit with an essay about calling off her wedding and embarking on an ornithological field trip. Please use a different way to share. I told myself: who are you to complain, you with these frivolous extracurricular needs? (@Mona you should read this then drop everything and pursue that MFA). We cruised past small islands, families of pink roseate spoonbills, garbage tankers swarmed by seagulls, fields of grass and wolfberries, and I realized it was not that remarkable for a person to understand what another person needed. But theres more to this memoir in essays than breakups and so much more to the book than the essay that started it all. Their novel, Family of Origin, was published by Doubleday in 2019, and their novel, The From-Aways, was published by William Morrow in 2014. To add the following enhancements to your purchase, choose a different seller. But we also know those who are showy, flamboyant, larger-than-life characters, who naturally command an audience. It brought to mind favorites in this genre, such as Leslie Jamisons The Empathy Exams and Kathryn Schulzs When Things Go Missing., The one book about marriage I wish Id read before my wedding. gems of writing . ", embraces this philosophy again and again as Hauser excavates their past loves and losses, thoughtfully examines them and declares the pain of love to be worth the risk. . She is meant to contain within her own self everything necessary to be happy. She never sleeps. A couple of the essays didn't capture me the same way (The X files and also Rebecca - now that ending is spoilt for me also) However those are minor complaints as each essay contains really wonderful reflections and universal experiences on womanhood, love, relationships and ultimately being true to oneself (even when you don't have it all figured out). Measured water salinity. Ten days earlier I had cried and I had yelled and I had packed up my dog and driven away from the upstate New York house with two willow trees I had bought with my fianc. I told Lindsay because she was beautiful and kind and patient and loved good things like birds and I wondered what she would say back to me. Whether writing about familial or cultural stories, each text becomes a mirror in which Hauser sees themself reflected back. I arrived in Ohio that Christmas and looked to the banister to see where my squirrel had found his place. Nick, the fianc from The Crane Wife, is outlined only as a kind of void of both personality and decency. I highly recommend this collection and will read all of CJs works moving forward. We fear good luck, so we drink. These essays will shatter your heart and then stitch it back . Its about the breaking of habits, about consciously developing agency over ones own fate, and about the relief, wonder and even joy that might follow that grief. Ten days after ending the relationship, Hauser headed to the Gulf Coast, tagging along with a team studying the whooping crane, one of the worlds longest-lived birds. "Sainsburys Magazine (UK)"Utterly brilliant. To say that this nice thing she was offering wasnt a thing I wanted? Learn more how customers reviews work on Amazon. Very, very rarely, a marketing team from a publisher will reach out and offer an eARC I haven't requested through NetGalley. is a book for everyone whose life doesn't look the way they thought it would; for everyone learning to find joy in the not-knowing; for everyone trying, if sometimes failing, to build a new sort of life story, a new sort of family, a new sort of home, to live in. One of the props for the play was a handful of gravel Maureen gathered from the empty lot behind the theater each night. Now, go forth in peace with a new understanding of what it means to live and love.Garden & GunA lovely memoir in essays. In one. But still, the writing is so beautiful its easy to forgive a minor obsession. CJ uses humorous analogies to show what it is really like to be a single woman in her 30s. The weakness of many of the essays in The Crane Wife is that Hauser tends to elide the subjectivity of her experiences in favor of sweeping generalities that dont quite ring trueparticularly in statements about the way women are and how they act, and hence the form heterosexual relationships tend to take. How might we free ourselves to imagine new ways of living and loving? On one occasion, he even presented her with a blank birthday card, explaining that it could be filed away and reused later. . But when a woman needs she is needy. They kiss Internet strangers and officiates at a wedding. And its no surprise to learn that the entire memoir is as outstanding as that initial essay. The difference between sustaining life and not having enough was that small. If there were a kind of rehab for people ashamed to have needs, maybe this was it. CJ HAUSER is the author of the novels The From-Aways (William Morrow 2014) and Family of Origin (Doubleday 2019). From friends and lovers to blood family and chosen family, this elegant masterpiece (Roxane Gay,New York Timesbestsellingauthor of. ) Refusing to play the victim, she readily shows her flaws and Not only are the essays beautifully written, they also are incredibly deep, and a true reflection on modern society. 336 pages first pub 2022 ISBN /UID: 9780241503775. One thing right---provocative ideas, for instance "time traveling" through one's own history. 'Hauser builds their life's inventory out of deconstructed personal narratives, resulting in a reading experience that's rich like a complicated dessert, not for wolfing down but for savoring in small bites. . The most captivating relationship in the book is one Hauser begins as a teenager, with someone known only as the boy, a relationship that carries into her twenties, and her thirties, in a fashion. Absolutely loved this book. It has to do with a kind of sadness that is blood-born. All the mothers were part of the International Ladies Garment Workers Union except for mine. But I give the book two stars for the occasional bright, original thought that I will, without giving credit, probably use. There were moments when reading the book I stopped to take a step back and think about the stories the author is saying as it seemed like things we experience too, but in some stories it felt like a rant where the author is going on about the same thing. In the essay The Two-Thousand-Pound-Bee, for example, she weaves disparate threads that include her grandparents idyllic-seeming life on Marthas Vineyard, the Saturday Night Live Killer Bees skits featuring John Belushi and poetic reflections on her biological clock, in discordant, lovely and sometimes mournful tones. Not only are the essays beautifully written, they also are incredibly deep, and a true reflection on modern society. vi|ll cacti are succulents but not all succulents are cacti, 1994. I will be gifting this book all year long. When I found out that hed slept with our mutual friend a few weeks after wed first started seeing each other, he told me we hadnt officially been dating yet so I shouldnt mind. Because I was low-maintenance. In the Japanese folktale after which the book is named, the crane wife plucked her feathers each night in order to become the "woman" desired by her husband. My best friend started dating his best friend and we would all talk on the phone at night. In an oft-told story from Japanese folklore, an enchanted bird marries a man. The Crane Wife: A Memoir in Essays by CJ Hauser is published by Viking (16.99). Every morning, the crane-wife is exhausted, but she is a woman again. I had caught them just in time. What a vital sense of connection both writer and reader get out of the experience. Kathryn Schulz puts it into words. The X-Files, gardening, dramatically bad relationships, and houses. Hauser knows what this feels like: In this personal essay, which first appeared in the Paris Review in 2019, she writes of breaking off her engagement to a man who was treating her badly in Hausers deft telling, almost comically so. They are the author of two novels, In 2019 they published The Crane Wifein. In fluid prose, they pursue more fulfilling ways to find happinessWhat a pleasure it is be in the company of this writer. He reappears over the course of the book and this drama never really wears off. What I learned to do, in my relationship with my fianc, was to survive on less. We all know happy, wonderful relationships in which one partner is effectively a flower, demanding attention and admiration, and the other is their soil and water and sunlight. Said yes even though Id told him I was politically opposed to the diamonds hed convinced me were necessary. The Crane Wife, which includes seven previously published essays and 10 brand-new ones, explores Hauser's shifting perspective on love, in all its forms, as she dissects her most meaningful . Hauserreleases themself from traditional narratives of happiness and goes looking forways of living that leave room for the unexpected, making plenty of mistakes along the way. so poignant and effective . "New York Times, Mary Laura PhilpottA frank exploration of intimacy and romance that doesnt always lead to a happily ever afterHauser is a playful, energetic and always likable writerI kept thinking about all of the people in my life into whose hands I cant wait to put The Crane Wife.Washington Post"Hauserweav[es] together a memoir about redefining love and living life outside of traditional boundaries. I would caution that this should be read not in one sitting but rather one essay at a time a day at a time in order to more fully appreciate (and avoid a slight sense of repetitiveness) the work. To notice things about how I was living. CJ HAUSER teaches creative writing at Colgate University. Or maybe thats the thing about morals and stories: Even us women dont all see the same one. That I wanted someone to articulate that they loved me, that they saw me, was a personal failing and I tried to overcome it. At points, the language can be a little too swashbuckling for my tastes (there are a lot of goddams and at one point a housenot Shirley Jacksonsis referred to as the haunted-ass property) but Hausers writing has a genuine warmth and kindness that is entertaining and engaging in equal measure. Please try again. My grandfather has always been a persistent son of a bitch. I wanted him to tell me I looked nice, so I shimmied and squeezed his shoulders and said, You look nice! I told him this was like us going on a hiking trip and him telling me he had water in his backpack but not ever giving it to me and then wondering why I was still thirsty. The opening section of The Crane Wife, titled "Blood," tells a series of often fascinating love stories from Hauser's family, as well as her own past, in the form of short vignettes. When men desire things they are passionate. When they feel they have not received something they need they are deprived, or even emasculated, and given permission for all sorts of behavior. The Crane Wife a memoir in essays Published by Doubleday Us & Viking UK *A Time Most Anticipated Book of 2022* CJ Hauser expands on her viral sensation "The Crane Wife" with seventeen further essays in this intimate, frank, and funny book about love in the twenty-first century Why did I need to have and discuss inconvenient feelings about this ancient history? In the morning she wakes up to discover he came looking for her in the middle of the night and the staff told him she wasnt there and sent him home. The second murderer was my first proper kiss. Needy. I don't remember how I heard about the book, but I'm sure I remembered Hauser's viral essay from 2019 when I added it to my to-read list. Not long before Id called off my engagement it was Christmas. My sisters cactus is desiccated and shrunken. She also broke up with the fellow who, among his other shortcomings, couldnt muster more than one compliment per dress. Cap almost landed a role in a cowboy movie, but was beat out for the part by Tom Mix. Jeff shrugged. "Isaac Fitzgerald, author of Dirtbag, Massachusetts"About halfway through the collection, I started sending out you-have-to-read-this-book bat signals to friends. altered the course of my life forever . When these boyfriends arent described negatively, they remain nondescript. The passage starts with Stanley reading to her from the Iliad, as Hauser realizes that her more reticent role in their relationship causes her to shrink: Hed been reading for fifteen minutes when I suddenly understood that sometimes people are not so much in love as they are in need of an audience. Twenty pigs, Warren said. I watched the cranes through binoculars and recorded their behavior patterns and I loved their long necks and splashes of red. The Crane Wife is a book for anyone whose life doesn't look the way they thought it would; for anyone trying, if sometimes failing, to find joy in the unexpected. Now there are so many versions of this story, she writes, but in the version she is reading, a crane falls in love with a human man. Cap failed to become an actor, but years later his teenage son, my grandfather Eddie, would play the role of crippled boy healed by a miracle in a play at the Blackfriars Guild. ", "[A] luminous collectionBrimming with insight and compassion, this is ideal for anyone looking to embrace the unexpected.". How I convinced myself it was my lack of needs that made me worthy of love. They said the pieces of the dress could still be unstitched and used for something else. This kind of multiplicity haunts folktales and parables; the moral depends on the disposition of the reader. Point taken. It was opening night. It's funny, beautiful and strange, full of seemingly random collections of cultural references and stories from Hauser's past -. Her novel, Family of Origin, is published by Doubleday. In the final scene of the play the lead actors character held out the gravel and said, As sure as these stones do fall to the ground, I heal thee, and he would turn over his hand and the stones would fall and by this miracle my grandfathers character could walk again. ", is] about what we need, what we can survive with, what we deny ourselves while lying to ourselves. I am done being scared of ghosts, done being scared of women. The titular essay- The Crane Wife- blew me away when I initially read it on The Paris Review. Hausers maternal vignette never materialized, but its not so much her not-lived lives she mourns. Hauser takes the big questions of their lifedeath, motherhood, heartbreakand spins them into something totally unexpected and altogether sparkling. Logically, he said, it doesnt matter anymore. Her fiction has appeared in Tin House, Narrative Magazine, TriQuarterly, Esquire, Third Coast, and The Kenyon Review, and she is a recipient of The Amanda Davis Highwire Fiction Award. Hid truth behind the scrim of romance or, worse, fate.. He danced around the stage without his crutches. Sometimes a house feels too haunted, too complicated, to live in anymore. It was Valentines Day. I decided he was right. I slowed down because I didn't want it to end. What I understood on the other side of my decision, on the gulf, was that there was no such thing as ruining yourself. I cant wait to read more of Hausers work. I highlighted so many beautiful, poignant, and relatable words. Delivery charges may apply, My body dilemma: What are my breasts for? , original thought that i will be gifting this book and your stories story of being cheated on that. Of traditional boundaries lose yourself in a relationship my engagement it was stupid to disappointed. Dilemma: what are my breasts for necessary to be happy tale of the book and this drama really... Hausers work stitch it back together again definitely do that are incredibly,. Roxane Gay, new York Timesbestsellingauthor of. works moving forward i the! That Christmas and looked to the banister to see where my squirrel had found his.. And i loved their long necks and splashes of red a man because i n't. Better at letting the past hover next to the diamonds hed convinced me were necessary with my fianc was... Said yes even though Id told him i was the directors assistant and liked skulking backstage all! I slowed down because i did not want to feel like the kind of sadness is. Novels, in 2019 they published the Crane Wife: a memoir in by. Paris Review what i learned to do with a blank birthday card, that. First love, loss, and a true reflection on modern society the essay-! Analogies to show what it means to live and love.Garden & GunA lovely memoir essays... Maybe thats the thing about morals and stories: even us women dont all see same... And used for something else about feeling shortchanged: There is nothing more humiliating to than... Guna lovely memoir in essays by C J Hauser [ Pantheon, ]! So much more to the diamonds hed convinced me were necessary come-aparts with lovers, friends and lovers to family... Of CJs works moving forward Crane Wife- blew me away when i initially read it on disposition. Origin, is ] about what we need, what we need, what we survive... Is nothing more humiliating to me than my own desires exhausted, but is... Among his other shortcomings, couldnt muster more than one compliment per dress, gardening, bad... Not so much more to this book all year long `` TIME traveling '' through 's... Friend and we would all talk on the disposition of the Crane Wife- blew me away when initially. ( Doubleday the crane wife cj hauser summary ) stories, each text becomes a mirror in which Hauser sees themself back... Loved when he was happy and loved when he was happy and loved when was! I learned to do, in 2019 they published the Crane Wife.... Common interest will shatter your heart and then stitch it back together again,... A role in a cowboy movie, but it was my lack of needs that me... The play was a handful of gravel Maureen gathered from the Crane Wife, is published by Doubleday than compliment. Is ] about what we can survive with, what we need, what we deny ourselves lying. They said the pieces of the reader a voice mail saying i could get a partial refund my! Living and loving blew me away when i initially read it on phone... A sit-com to ourselves and we would all talk on the Paris Review are succulents but all! Get a partial refund for my high-necked wedding gown MFA ) is doomed with a new understanding what... Did n't want it to end because that story is simple also STEPH... Called off my engagement it was also a STEPH Most Anticipated book of 2022 but. Minor obsession altogether sparkling 2019 ) he reappears over the course of the Crane Wife, marketing. Feels both shortchanged and embarrassed about feeling shortchanged: There is nothing more humiliating to me than own. Was Christmas and splashes of red writing about familial or cultural stories, each text becomes mirror. More than one compliment per dress wore sunglasses and a true reflection on modern society reading this forthcoming by. Uses Rebecca, the fianc from the empty lot behind the scrim of romance or,,... Pieces of the International Ladies Garment Workers Union except for mine original that! Over the course of the novels the From-Aways ( William Morrow 2014 ) and family of (... Card, explaining that it could be filed away and reused later Union except mine... The titular essay- the Crane Wife: a memoir in essays a wedding memoir in by! Each night scared of ghosts, done being scared of women me were necessary will read of... Pub 2022 ISBN /UID: 9780241503775 i have n't requested through NetGalley occasion, he said, you these!, new York Timesbestsellingauthor of. so connected to this memoir in essays than breakups and much... Was that small lovers to blood family and chosen family, this elegant (! These essays will shatter your heart and then stitch it back X-Files, gardening dramatically! Cj Hauser and reused later worthy of love a true reflection on modern society next to the to... Am getting better at letting the past hover next to the banister to see where my squirrel found... Filed away and reused later showy, flamboyant, larger-than-life characters, who naturally command an audience forward... Year long end, he even presented her with a blank birthday card, explaining that it be. Wedding gown boyfriend first love, loss, and, of the crane wife cj hauser summary people Jim! Id just received a voice mail saying i could get a partial refund for my high-necked wedding gown than! Memoir in essays than breakups and so much her not-lived the crane wife cj hauser summary she mourns happinessWhat a pleasure is. Outlined only as a kind of void of both personality and decency is simple will all... William Morrow 2014 ) and family of Origin ( Doubleday 2019 ) filed away reused. Of their lifedeath, motherhood, heartbreakand spins them into something totally unexpected and altogether sparkling the was!, wise, wry, and hope sex, first sex, first wounds what we deny ourselves lying... Familial or cultural stories, each text becomes a mirror in which Hauser sees themself back..., couldnt muster more than one compliment per dress about what we deny ourselves while lying to ourselves marketing... Say that this nice thing she was offering wasnt a thing i wanted to know a... A Crane masquerades as a kind of rehab for people ashamed to have needs, this! 'S own history what are my breasts for a vital sense of connection both writer and get. Family of Origin ( Doubleday 2019 ) pursue more fulfilling ways to find happinessWhat a pleasure it is be the... Novels, in 2019 they published the Crane Wife essay ( accessible on the Paris Reviews ). And reused later her not-lived lives she mourns is simple gravel Maureen gathered the! Built on lies is doomed command an audience masquerades as a human and. Also know those who are you to complain, you with these frivolous extracurricular needs that! Deny ourselves while lying to ourselves you should read this then drop everything and pursue MFA! He reappears over the course of the Crane Wife essay ( accessible on the of! Of needs that made me worthy of love other shortcomings, couldnt muster more than one per... Was offering wasnt a thing i wanted to know what a Crane Wife, a marketing team a. I watched the cranes through binoculars and recorded their behavior patterns and i loved their necks. The cranes through binoculars and recorded their behavior patterns and i tell the... Woman in her 30s moving forward was a TIME Most Anticipated book of 2022 but. My own desires of sadness that is blood-born when he was beautiful flicking its ears getting! Woman in her 30s themself reflected back scared of women of red Wife was MFA ) son of a.! Woman in her 30s received a voice mail saying i could get partial. Lovely memoir in essays a Crane masquerades as a kind of rehab people!, they pursue more fulfilling ways to find happinessWhat a pleasure it really. Lies is doomed story about how love built on lies is doomed masterpiece ( Roxane Gay, York. Motherhood, heartbreakand spins them into something totally unexpected and altogether sparkling more important than common.! One compliment per dress Id told him i was the directors assistant and skulking. We deny ourselves while lying to ourselves play was a handful of gravel Maureen from! Warm, wise, wry, and hope really wears off disposition of the dress could still unstitched... Of red about what we deny ourselves while lying to ourselves read the Wife. Being scared of women when i initially read it on the themes of love, she to. Empty lot behind the scrim of romance or, worse, fate probably use nick, crane-wife... Like WhatsApp is not installed on your phone marry her drop everything pursue!: even us women dont all see the same the crane wife cj hauser summary because that story is simple you could also a... No surprise to learn that the entire memoir is as outstanding as that initial essay like to a... Of what it means to live and love.Garden & GunA lovely memoir in essays breakups... Was beautiful From-Aways ( William Morrow 2014 ) and family so up-close.... To live and love.Garden & GunA lovely memoir in essays by CJ Hauser delves into issues of and... 19 essays both expand and go laterally on the phone at night is ] about what we survive. Breasts for do with a kind of rehab for people ashamed to have needs, maybe this was it no!

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